It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore
Forgiveness is a hell of a drug! Actually, I’m still trying to figure out if forgiveness even plays a role anymore. It’s more acceptance than anything. Backtracking here… I went to a Bible study during the summer of 2018, and a parishioner asked the priest whether or not God hates the Devil. The priest answered, no. God doesn’t hate any of His creations — He accepts the Devil’s decision to be who he is.
Mind blown…
Since the summer of 2018, since that class, I have been unpacking a lot of stuff: old hurts, misunderstandings about myself and others. I have been re-evaluating relationships, re-examining experiences/scenarios/scenes… literally everything. Thankfully, this introspective journey has been a peaceful one. Honestly, I deserve peace! I’ve needed a LOT of peace. Because I am a people-pleaser by nature, I’ve had a tendency to blame myself for almost every interaction that didn’t proceed in a manner that I wasn’t certain was solid. It has taken time (always well-spent), but I have been able to move forward without the need to mentally, constantly replay a situation, and the silence I have been left with is extremely satisfying.
— Bad actors posing as friends = don’t have to worry about them when the holidays come around.
— Cheating boyfriends = an emptiness existed that I could not fill or maybe I poured more into him than he could hold.
— Friendships that ended, seemingly for no reason; folks who I no longer aligned with on an intellectual, emotional level = it was to be only for a season.
Sometimes it would hurt. Sometimes it would hurt REAL bad.
This was more than no longer seeing eye to eye. It helped that I stopped trying to be accommodating, stopped moving in a way that I thought would make folks happy. It almost felt like I went back in time to when I was a child and looked for the goodness (or God??) in people. When I could see their God, it was easier to know if I was going to walk with that person/people or not. I’m not enamored by the material, so if you were about that “grind or getting paid” instead of being about getting “made”, then we could move past one another.
I am more into ascending now. Let go, let’s grow, let’s GLOW together! Not bling, but glow. From the inside out, growth. That’s what has been happening to me. The release of the baggage has made me feel lighter. I move differently now.
Sometimes I got left behind. I wasn’t always ready for the heights some of my former colleagues have been living in for years. I never envied them. I did often wonder, “What do I need to do to find my own way?” I know now that at the time, it wasn’t my walk. My road to ascension would be longer, and I finally learned to be okay with the timing of my growth. There was never any competition for me, so I know I wasn’t always much fun. Sorry! I’ve never been competitive. If I was told I didn’t belong, I looked around and agreed. My logic back then? If you thought I was holding you down, you know you better than me, and you were probably right. I know now that not only was that true, it was also true that if you didn’t see the grace in which I was adorned, I wasn’t for you. Amen.
Truth is, I’ve always moved to the beat of my own drum. And now more than ever, more than anything, I don’t hear the beat — I just feel it. I LOVE this peace that I have in my being! The best is when I see someone that once broke my spirit, and I feel nothing. A hurt that used to reverberate from my heart, my head, and all the way through to my fingers and toes is gone — not even numb. Just nothing! It is so wonderful to feel nothing for that person! The God in me still has me wish him/her well in my heart, but after that brief prayer, I keep on walking. The silence feels eternal. There is no more disappointment. This is only truth and a blessed quietness, and I can carry on and rise.
