A Talk with God
Years ago, I went for a drive, because I had to have a talk with God. The night before, I had spoken with a family member who told me about his sexuality. I think I had always known he was gay, so I wasn’t surprised, but rather happy that he thought he could confide in me and know that I wouldn’t freak out about it. My talk with God, though, was (in my mind anyway) to have an understanding about what His expectations of me were going to be now that I knew about my cousin’s lifestyle.
I remember driving onto I-495 in southwest Atlanta, and talking out loud to my Father…
Father God, first, thank you for your love and for loving me enough to place me in a family surrounded by love. Speaking of family, … I wanted to ask you about a conversation I had last night with my cousin. I know you know all about it, and I don’t believe he is the only one in our family who is gay or who will be gay. And, your Word says that you will take me hot or cold, but not lukewarm. Father, because you know I walk hot or cold (after all, this is how you made me), I wanted to let you know that I can’t stop loving him. I’ve loved him all my life. I will love him all his life. I won’t judge his lifestyle. Anyone else in my family who says this is who they are, I will love, because they are mine. I just wanted you to know that I can’t turn away from them. I won’t stop loving them. I can’t choose to stop loving them. Loving people is what I do, and I can’t stop being that way. You made me this way. (Look at me reminding God how He made me!)
Clear as day, I heard a voice say (and I’m paraphrasing), “I haven’t asked you to stop loving him. I wouldn’t ask you to. You leave judging to me. Keep on loving.”
The relief I felt was so overwhelming! More than anything, I didn’t want to disappoint my Father. But, I didn’t not want to have the conversation. I know He’s all seeing and knowing, and I wanted Him to know that I knew in my heart that denying my family, would mean I would be denying myself. I didn’t know then that I had formally (in my heart and mind) become an LGBTQ ally, and I happily accept the responsibility that goes along with it. I feel like my responsibility as an ally is to be supportive and loving, especially when I see someone who is being ignored or bullied, etc.
Once, I saw a woman over a period of time, in different parts of Atlanta. The first time was on the train, and she had gotten up to get off at the approaching station. She had on a black and green sweater dress. She looked nice. I remember thinking that I had seen one like that, when I kept hearing some guys laughing in hushed tones, snickering. She looked uncomfortable, but they were seated and weren’t approaching her. I looked closer, and thought, maybe they were laughing at a small hole I noticed on her dress. But upon further inspection, I realized that they were maybe laughing because she was a trans woman. I didn’t see anything funny, and I was glad that when she left, she didn’t have to be bothered with their stupidity.
The next time I saw her was at a drag queen club where I had been invited to see Charlie Brown’s Cabaret. The name of the club was Backstreet, and I can say that after seeing Charlie Brown once, you gotta go back! Anyway, I remembered seeing her there, that trans woman. And that night, was not a good one for her. She was sitting alone, and when she went to leave her seat, she swayed back and forth. I remembered praying for her safety home.
My final time I saw her, she was working as a waitress at a Waffle House. I remembered being so happy to see her. I didn’t introduce myself, nor was she my server, but I remembered leaving her a tip anyway and praying for her safety.
I don’t remember if seeing this woman so many times happened before or after the talk I had with God, but I know that I have always prayed extra hard for the LGBTQ community. Why? Because, I’ve seen how they always seem to be on the outside looking in, and I don’t like it. I can’t imagine hoping that my family won’t stop love me because of who I am or who I love. But, I got a glimpse once.
I was on a summer break visiting family and there was news coverage of a gay pride parade. I didn’t know what gay was, but everyone looked happy enough. And being a kid, why wouldn’t I like this parade??!! There weren’t many floats (I’ve always been into floats), but everyone was wearing lots of bright colors, and there was dancing and laughing. I honestly thought there were just a group of REALLY happy people! But, someone in my family suddenly said, “Disgusting!” And, I remember looking at the few faces there that seemed to nod in agreement and thinking to myself, “Gosh, what if I’m gay? What if they’re sitting next to a gay person, and they don’t love me anymore?”
Before working myself into a worrying headache (because, I was GREAT at that back in elementary school), I made myself calmly ask them what gay was. They told me, and I remember thinking, “Is that all?” I didn’t know if I was supposed to feel disgusted, too. And when I didn’t, I went back to doing whatever I was doing before coming in the room. Looking back, it’s sad to think that any child could be faced with knowing that someone they love could hate them for something they feel inside. I can only imagine feeling suddenly alone, and that’s what I started to feel when I didn’t know what gay was and when I heard this group of people that I knew and loved express disgust. No one should feel that way. Ever. Makes me wonder if there are others in my family who haven’t said anything about their lifestyles. Makes me wonder how many other families are staying quiet.
I applaud the courage it took my cousin to come out to me and some others in our family. I will always celebrate love. There’s not enough of it in the world. 2020 is proof of that. I’ve never seen such real-time ugliness and hate in my life! For that reason alone, I won’t turn towards hate. Yesterday, today, and always, I choose love. Happy National Coming Out Day, y’all!
